Okay! I'm The Problem (It's me)

A proof to my obliviousness

I’ve come to a strange, almost amusing realization about myself.

I am the reason I’m single😂.

Now hold on, it is not the dramatic way people word it. Not in the “I push people away” or “love has wronged me” kind of way. Nahhh. Mine is innocent, I promise.

I am simply, consistently, and beautifully oblivious.

I’m strongly unaware of the possibility that someone could fall in love with me. Not because I think I’m unlovable, come on!!! I am adorable and you know it. It’s just that the thought rarely visits me. My mind doesn’t even entertain it. It skips over it entirely, like a song you never noticed was on repeat.

When someone is kind to me, I assume they’re just kind.
When someone lingers in conversation, I tell myself they’re just bored.
When someone remembers the smallest details about me, I decide that’s simply who they are. The attentive, thoughtful, and good individual.
It never occurs to me that it could be something more.

Because I’ve always been the one who feels first(keep my secret)

The one who notices.
The one who reads into laughter, into pauses, into the way someone says my name like it carries a little more weight than usual.

I’ve been the one who quietly carries affection, folding it neatly into the corners of my chest, convincing myself it’s one-sided before it become anything else.

So when attention comes my way, I do something almost automatic(don’t judge).

I shrink it.

I translate it into something safer. Politeness. Coincidence. Nothing personal.

Because to believe that someone could look at me and feel something intentional, something chosen, something soft and certain, feels like stepping onto thin ice. Beautiful, exciting, but fragile. One wrong step and everything could collapse beneath me.

So I stay a little oblivious. Just in case.

And Somewhere in That Protection, I Overlooked Something

Friendship.

Because if there’s one thing I can’t deny, it’s this: people have chosen me.

Not in cinematic ways. But in the consistent ways that matter more than we often admit.

They stay.

They call. They check in. They remember things I said in passing and bring them up weeks later.

They laugh at my jokes even the ones that clearly weren’t funny. Sometimes I suspect it’s out of love. Sometimes I know it’s out of pity. I don’t accept both. I know I am hilarious😏

They sit with me in silence.
They show up.

And somehow, I never question that.

Isn’t that interesting?

That I can accept friendship so fully, so naturally, but struggle to imagine that same depth could exist in another form. That someone could look at me and choose me not just as a friend, but as something more.

What is friendship if not a quiet form of love?

What is it, if not someone choosing to know you and stay anyway?

I think about the times my friends have shown up for me and I find myself in awe.

Not because I think I’m undeserving. But because I never paused to realize what it means to be chosen like that.

To be seen.
To be remembered.
To be considered.

There’s something deeply humbling about it. And yes, a little funny too.

Because while I’ve been here, overanalyzing the possibility of romantic love like it’s some complex theory that needs to be proven, I’ve been surrounded by people who have been loving me all along freely, genuinely, without hesitation.

And I didn’t even notice.

Or maybe I noticed. You won’t get that mushy feeling out of me.

So perhaps I am the reason I’m single

Not because love hasn’t come close(I sabi dodge like mad). But because when it does, I dress it in safer meanings. I make it smaller so it fits into what I understand. I translate it into something that doesn’t require me to risk believing in it.

And maybe one day, tomorrow maybe, I’ll unlearn that.

Maybe one day, I’ll allow myself to sit with the possibility that someone could love me intentionally. That it wouldn’t be an accident or coincidence, but choice.

For now, though, I find myself grateful.

Grateful for the friends who chose me without a reason.
Grateful for the love that exists with them.
Grateful for the realization that even in my oblivion, I haven’t been at the slightest, unloved.

To all my friends who have tried, Lord knows you’ve tried to pair me with someone, link me up, drag me out of the house, or strategically seat me next to someone at an event: I’m sorry.

I know I’ve been the human equivalent of a brick wall. No vex for me.

I’ve responded to your “so what did you think of them?” with genuine confusion, asking “think of who?” when you literally introduced us twenty minutes earlier. I’ve probably friendzoned people you spent weeks setting me up with because I assumed everyone was just being nice.

But here’s the thing: Don’t stop.

Don’t give up on me. Because this is the year.

So keep playing cupid. Keep inviting me out. Keep casually introducing me to people. I promise I’ll do better. I promise I’ll try to notice.

And if I still miss it? Hold my neck. Spell it out. Drag me if necessary.

But seriously, don’t stop trying.
I owe you guys matching PJs photos this December, or not.

Until next time,
Stay Jiggy!